


Love and feminine hygiene products

by jenny_wren



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-13
Updated: 2013-11-13
Packaged: 2018-01-01 08:34:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1042650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenny_wren/pseuds/jenny_wren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joanna McCoy has a hard life</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love and feminine hygiene products

**Author's Note:**

> Buckle-up kink meme fill: Bones and Jim are spending their leave with Joanna (mid-teens). She starts her lady time a little earlier than planned, before she can go stop up on the necessaries, and her cramps are so bad that she sends Jim for them (maybe Bones insists on staying with his poor baby girl, or something? Maybe Jim even offers to go?).
> 
> Basically I'm asking for Awkward!Step-Dad!Jim in the tampon/pad section of the pharmacy of your choice.

“Do _what?_ ”

“I said, can you swing by the mall on your way home and pick Joanna up some sanitary towels,” Len repeated, smiling maliciously to himself at the panic-stricken tone in Jim’s voice. He didn’t like thinking about his baby girl growing up, it was only fair that he got to mess with his boyfriend to make up for it. After all, what was the point of having a boyfriend if you couldn’t wind him up and watch him go.

“We’re talking about tampons here, right,” checked Jim in his ‘I am dealing with an alien of dubious motives’ voice.

“Godamnit no,” Len snapped back immediately. “Do you want her dying of toxic shock syndrome. I said sanitary towels and I meant ‘em.”

“Okay, okay, calm down. Sanitary towels it is. And Bones?”

“Yes?”

“I hate you so much right now.”

“Love you too, darling.” Len smiled beatifically and clicked off his com.

 

By the time they heard Jim at the door, Joanna had mostly come out of her miserable, embarrassed huddle on the couch and they were sitting side by side watching some detective flail around and signally fail to solve the crime. Jim refused to watch detective shows with either of them because they spent so much time criticizing the forensics.

“She’s picking up all your bad habits,” he had complained. 

“Poor Uncle Jim,” sing-songed Joanna, patting his arm with mock-sympathy. She appeared to consider it as a compliment which made Len beam with pride. Jim had sulked until he was placated with snuggles which was probably been what he had been aiming for in the first place.

Now Jim crashed through the house like a herd of rhinoceroses had just been released. Len still wasn’t sure how just one individual could make so much noise. It wasn’t even that Jim was clumsy, he just seemed to be surrounded by his own chaos-generating field. After slamming the door shut, clattering through the kitchen and exploding into the lounge, he dumped a huge bag on the coffee table with a loud bang.

“There you go, Princess.”

Joanna peered cautiously at the bag like it was about to eat her. Feeling he should be the brave one, Len poked it gingerly.

“Uh Jim, what all did you buy exactly? There’s only one of Joanna.”

“You underestimate my genius, Bones,” Jim grinned, eyes sparkling with the pure joy of being outrageous.

“Puhh-tuhh,” huffed Len.

“Oh alright, so my lovely assistants couldn’t come to an agreement on just the right thing.”

“Lovely assistants?” Len’s narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Jim turned up the gleam of his hair and eyes to positively angelic.

Len slapped him lightly over the back of the head, “Oh shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything,” Jim protested, blue eyes waxing big and hurt. Extensive exposure still hadn’t granted Len full-immunity to the puppy eyes of doom and he glowered ferociously.

“You were thinking loudly enough to be heard up on Jupiter Station.”

“Your dad’s paranoid, you know that Princess?”

Joanna nodded solemnly, eyes dancing with mischief.

“I am not. There’s no such thing as paranoid when it comes to you, it’s all justified. Now you said something about lovely assistants?”

“Well, as it turns out,” Jim held out both hands in his ‘it’s totally not my fault Bones, honest’ pose. Len’s suspicion cranked up another notch. “Buying feminine hygiene products for your step-daughter is the greatest pick-up line ever invented.” He turned to grin at Joanna, “I thought you were a pretty good chick magnet as an adorable seven year old with a lisp,”

“I did not have a lisp,” objected Joanna, stung.

“Princess, you lisped like a champion, it was the most adorable thing short of a ship full of tribbles I’ve ever heard. And man, we made out like bandits. But that was nothing on this shopping expedition.” He reached into his jeans pockets and pulled out a scrunched up wad of paper, “Read ‘em and weep.”

Len pounced on the crumpled ball and began to unwrap and smooth out the strips of paper with their hastily scrawled comm codes. A quick count revealed –

“ _How_ many?” he demanded.

Jim shrugged his shoulders, “What can I say, people appreciate a family man. And they all offered advice, except Dave, oh and Joel. Michael offered advice but it wasn’t exactly based on personal experience.”

“You got three guys’ phone numbers while buying sanitary towels?” Len demanded incredulously.

“Well, I’m cute too.”

“You are not cute,” said Len decidedly. Cute was way too insipid a word for Jim.

“Oh,” Jim sniffed, and fluttered his eyelashes as if he was bravely blinking back tears instead of blatantly flirting. “I can call…” he reached towards the numbers spread out on Len’s lap.

Len smacked him - on the shoulder instead of the head so he could put some force into the blow.

Jim grinned, “Anyway, as I said, Michael, muscles _and_ dimples, was the only guy who offered advice. He said his sister was in Starfleet and she swore by this little cup-thingy because it never ran out no matter how far it was between starbases.”

Jim dived into the bag and rustled furiously

“It’s not sterile,” hollered Len, because seriously, that was hopelessly unsanitary.

“Honestly Bones,” said Jim emerging with a small packet that he tossed to Joanna, “she’s your daughter and she’s been able to work a kettle since she was what, ten or so.”

“But,” objected Len.

“Shut up Dad,” said Joanna, blushing furiously and shoving packet back into the bag. “I’ve been using the kettle since I was eight, and I’m not an idiot.”

“Lexi, she was a pretty little brunette with cutest bob, she said you were completely over-reacting with the whole toxic shock thing. She said as long as you were careful, particularly when it’s hot Princess, JoJo would be fine. She picked out a couple of sets with applicator for JoJo to try.”

Joanna grabbed the bag before Jim could produce the promised items.

“It’s okay Uncle Jim, I’ll figure it out.”

“Sara - long blonde hair, legs up to here,” Jim waved his hand above his head. “She said slim line pads were the only way to go. Lucy - straw brown hair, wicked smirk - said it didn’t matter what you use as long as you’ve got a heat pad - I picked up three for you to try out - chocolate, ibuprofen, and a handsome guy to give you a massage.”

Len’s automatic objection to taking too many pain killers was overridden by his howl of fury at the final item on the list. Jim’s hand clapped down over his mouth, cutting of his stream of invective. Annoyingly Jim wasn’t even looking in his direction.

“Although you might want to hold off on the last one, unless you want to give your father an aneurysm,” Jim continued imperturbably.

“Thank you Uncle Jim.”

“Trudie – messy black hair, paint under her fingernails – said everyone should get reusable cotton pads to reduce waste. And – ”

“Thank you Uncle Jim,” said Joanna more loudly, cutting him off. She grabbed the bag and hoisted it up. “I’m just going to…” her voice trailed away and she flushed red.

“You do that Princess; I’ll distract your dad with sex.”

“Uncle Jim!” wailed Joanna and fled.

 

As Joanna, finally comfortable, emerged from her room, her Uncle Jim appeared and bounded quickly up the stairs to join her on the landing. Joanna did not think this was a coincidence.

Uncle Jim tilted his head quizzically at her, “Everything okay Princess?”

She could feel her cheeks burn hot, “I’m fine,” she muttered.

“Sure? Cause Janice would be happy to talk to you if you had any questions.”

“Oh.” Joanna thought about her Uncle’s right-hand woman. Janice was always really nice to her, even if it was just because of Uncle Jim. “Maybe.”

“Think about it. Here’s her number if you want to use it.”

Joanna took the piece of paper and carefully tucked it into her back pocket. “Uncle Jim?”

“Yes Princess.”

“You just bought one of everything, didn’t you?”

He laughed and curled his arm around her shoulders, “Pretty much,” he admitted. “But the checkout girl was really helpful. And I totally could have got her number too, except she was only a couple of years older than you, and there’s something skeevy about picking up chicks who are the same age as your step-daughter. You’re wrecking my social life JoJo.”

She refused to be distracted. “So why do you do it?” Adults often made no sense, but Uncle Jim was more confusing than most. He was always pulling phone numbers out of his pockets and her dad was always grumbling about it but nobody ever got mad. And recently she’d taken to watching him when they were out together and she’d realized there was no way he was collecting as many numbers as he made out. “Why?”

“Truthfully?”

She nodded.

“Truthfully, your dad gets a kick out of it.” He grinned. “I do to, of course. And it’s not like I couldn’t get the numbers, I used to before, but people don’t hand over their numbers to ‘heroic captains’ – ”

Joanna could hear the inverted commas in his voice and she winced.

“ – as easily, they’re too embarrassed.” He scuffed his boot against the skirting board. 

“But you don’t want their numbers,” Joanna pressed anxiously, “you’re with my dad, right?”

“Absolutely,” he beamed. “But what’s the point of having a boyfriend if you can’t wind him up and watch him go?”

Joanna’s nose wrinkled at the idea of her dad being a boyfriend, “You are very weird.”

“Oh sure,” he agreed easily. “But hey, everything worked out, you get to try out more options than whatever you pointed at when Jocelyn dragged you into the pharmacy section because you felt to awkward to ask questions.”

Joanna glowered; it was incredibly unfair how Uncle Jim always knew what had happened exactly as if he’d been there even when actually he’d been lights years distant.

“And I get guaranteed mind-blowing sex.”

“Uncle Jim!”

“Mwah-hah-hah,” he gave a very creditable evil villain laugh, flinging his head back and rubbing his hands together with maniacal glee.

“Just what is going on up there?” yelled her dad from the kitchen.

“Your daughter and I are plotting to take over the universe.”

“Oh. Carry on then.”

Uncle Jim pouted, “It’s no fun with permission.”

Her dad appeared at the bottom of the stairs, “In that case,” he said, “stop it immediately.”

Joanna glanced from one to the other as they stood there grinning at each other. “You are both so, so weird,” she said finally, completely exasperated.

“I know,” said Uncle Jim. “Isn’t it great?”


End file.
